walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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