I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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