I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
