Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Randomize
