Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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