My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize
