just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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