he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
