I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
