You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
