girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
Randomize
