I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
