I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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