My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
