He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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