i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
