How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
