I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
