She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
