You were right. It hurts to walk today.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
