I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
