I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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