I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
