I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Randomize
