I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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