Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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