I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
