how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
