you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
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Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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