she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
