I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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