Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
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