If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
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