We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
