my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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