Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
