How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
