God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
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