So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
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Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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