Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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