Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
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His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
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Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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