Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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