My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
