you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
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