Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
