I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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