do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
