This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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