So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
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