My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
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It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
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The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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