I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
