Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org
.org?
yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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