i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
