i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
