so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
