man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I think I am morally bankrupt
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
