Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
