One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
