so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
We left an ass print on the piano.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Randomize
